Middle of the Road

There have been several times in my life where I have taken pause to examine the path that I am on, where it has taken me, and where it leads. Those are landmarks for me, and most often I can recall those times with vivid detail. As I look around now, I see that the "importance" question resonates more deafeningly now than ever before and I suspect that will be the case at each stop along the way.

I wonder how I will assess this path in three years time.

It occurs to me that some are often troubled by the habitual nature of our daily lives, and the repetition involved in maintaining a stable life. Save for the filthy rich, and boo to them, most of us are solidly based in a series of events that become more uniform each day. It's a question of efficiency really. How do I get the most out of each day. It requires a certain routine and structure, and often robs us of spontenaity and verve.

Therein belies the question that we struggle with when we take in the paoramic of our lives.

"Is this really what I am suppossed to be doing?"

It is purely selfish. There are no two ways about it. The very question discounts the lives and love of the ones we have chosen to surround ourselves with, but all the same, there is the question.

"What would I be doing if...?"

Its like dreaming of the lottery, but in a dirtier, less fantastic way. It is how we question what we are and what we are to become.

I have always taken comfort in the knowledge that I was meant to be a father and that I have always, in one way or another, been driven toward a family life. Those bonds have produced meaning in my life that I did not possess before, and still, what else might I have become?

I wonder how long it will be that my 13-year old daughter will push me away and how will I manage the heartbreak that her push causes. It is age appropriate, but it still kills me.

I wonder if I will ever be as close to my 8-year old daughter, remembering how close I was to her sister, and I know that my work will prevent that opportunity for some time. I am simply not there to achieve that bond.

I wonder if my wife loves me enough to stay with me all my days, and will she be there when I am no longer the man she has created in her head (thank god for imagination and low expectations).

I guess I wonder if I will be alone and if it will matter that I loved these people in the only manner I know how.

This has been a tough landmark so far.